Semi Twisted Diary by Tomasz Mieczkowski

Semi Twisted Diary - Little Ret'd

Once upon a time when there was no MTV and people were not handing out AM New York by every entrance to the subway station, lived a poor old lady.  How poor was she?  Well, she was so poor that she couldn’t afford to live anywhere than in the middle of the woods miles away from any society.  But don’t start feeling sorry for her just yet.  It was quite normal back then.  She was unemployed and they did not yet have any retirement funds.  All the elderly either went off into the woods and died, or had to rely on their ancestors to take care of them.  This old lady, lets call her Grandma, was one of the lucky ones, because she had a large family that lived nearby, just outside of the woods.  She had many sons and daughters, grandsons and granddaughters, great grandsons and… well, lets just say the list goes on and on.  As you could probably guess, back then anti-conception was also not an option.  One of Grandma’s granddaughters was Little Ret’d, and she was actually just on her way to Grandma’s hut with a basket of groceries.

Little Ret’d was special in so many ways.  Even amongst the woods folk, who were already quite strange to any ordinary person, Little Ret’d stood out with her genuine weirdness and curiosity.  Her siblings used to always make fun of her and call her retarded, which may have been very close to the truth.  In any case, as I mentioned before, she was special.  Whenever someone asked her what was wrong with her, she would always respond “I am little ret-te-ted” stuttering on the last word that she could never pronounce.  And so it stuck.  Little Ret’d was marked for life.

It was an early spring, and the woods were crawling with hungry animals.  Spotting a bear or a wolf was no longer an attraction in these parts of the world.  Such occurrences were as common place as Mexican Mariachi musicians on the streets of New York, but Little Ret’d did not fear anything.  That’s why her brothers and sisters always sent her out into the woods among the wild creatures.  If she manages to get the food to grandma that would be great, but if it so happens that a bear rips her to pieces, well, one mouth less to feed, her family always said.

Little Ret’d must have been half way to Gradma’s hut by the time a wolf has crossed her path.  Even though she did not fear the wolf, she remember the stories she heard around the village to beware of wild creatures and so… well, her mind trailed off…  and so they would say back then.  Apparently Little Ret’d was suffering from A.D.D. as well, because she quickly forgot about the wolf and got quite excited about the small patch of flowers that has just begun to bloom in the middle of the forest.  How is it possible that the flowers were growing in the middle of the woods beats me.  These might have been imaginary flowers for all I know, but they sure did seem real to Little Ret’d.  She was such a precious little thing.

After an hour of imaginary flower picking, Little Ret’d decided that it was a perfect time for a picnic.  So she sat down and started munching on the food supplies that were meant for Grandma.  There wasn’t much in the basket, a mug of homemade soup, apple pie, DiGiorno, Lipton tea and crackers, but that normally lasted Grandma for a week.  By the time Ret’d was done with the picnic she realized that she ate half the pie and the entire mug of soup that wasn’t meant for her.  She felt terribly bad and started to weep.

Little Ret’ds commotion created a massive attention in the woods, and in a matter of minutes she was surrounded by a wolf pack.  The leader, an old gray wolf stepped forward first.  Eyes open wide.  Apparently he was evaluating the situation.  All these wolfs were very cautious as if they just watched “To catch a predator” on NBC.  After the leader was certain that there are no hidden cameras and this was definitely not a trick, he growled loudly exposing his front canines in a sense of pride.

Within seconds wolfs were all over the basket ripping the Rubbermaid containers into shreds.  Little Ret’d felt scared for the first time in her life.  She grabbed the first thing within her reach and started to run towards Grandma’s hut.  By the time she got there, she was exhausted, but boy was she glad that she wore her new Nike Plus running shoes.  She entered the hut without even as much as a knock and so it happened that she witnessed her grandma walking around naked.

“Grandma, why are you covered in gray animal fur?” she asked right from the door.

“Oh shweetie, that ish becaush I’m old” – came response from her Grandma.

Little Ret’d was now cautious as her Grandma did not seem herself today.  She slowly approached her and handed her the remainder of what she managed to salvage from earlier on.

“Grandma, why are your eyes so big?” – Ret’d continued her interrogation.

“Well honeshly, I’m shurprised that I don’t shee you for a week and you only bring me a pack of hard crackersh” – answered Grandma, genuinely disappointed.

“Grandma, why do you sound so strange?” – asked Little Ret’d.

“Oh shweetie,“ - Grandma turned around and made some hidden movements, by the time she turned back again, she exposed her teeth that were not there a second ago in a manner that was way too familiar to Little Ret’d.  Girl did not let her finish the sentence.  She was no longer being fooled. Little Ret’d knew for a fact that it was a wolf that was dressed as her Grandma that came back around for the remainder of the goodies from the basket.  She reached for the shotgun on the wall, cocked it, and blasted the big bad wolf into bits.

The moral of the story is, do not keep your shotgun loaded, and if you live in the middle of the woods, try ordering from Pizza Hut instead.  It’s 30 minutes for delivery or your pie is free.